Doctor in The House.

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doctor in the house vanessa wilde

The morning starts chaotically with me running late to drop Sienna at Nursery. Vita is in the buggy still eating her Marmite soldiers and dippy egg, unaware of the speed she is travelling across the tarmac of The Close. “Why are we always late, Mummy?” shouts Sienna trying to keep pace, carry her bag and Tiggy and Taggy, her cuddly hedgehogs.

“Come on!” I call. Sienna suddenly stops and refuses to go any farther. “I don’t want to run.”  I pick her up, throw her on my back and we gallop to Nursery, Sienna giggling in my ear.

As I stroll back to the house, I can see a very pale Doctor Nick looking up at the windows of his house, pacing this way and that.  He tries his front door handle and looks under the welly rack outside the door. “10 stabbings and now this,” he says kicking a terracotta plant pot. “Ow!” He hops holding his foot.

“Morning,” I say

“Nessa!” He is VERY pleased to see me. “Oh thank god.”

Me: “I wish my husband would say that.”

Nick: “Did Nanny Sara leave the keys with you?”

Me: “Nope.”

He looks dejected. “Been on nights,” he says looking under the doormat but there’s nothing there. “Just done 18 hours straight.” He suddenly brightens, “You have our spare key! With the Legoman In your cupboard.”

Me: “Come in and have a rummage.” I say, unlocking my front door.

He follows me into the kitchen and opens Si’s key cupboard, colour-coded and organised like a serial killer’s mind. He searches up and down the rows and then looks at me disappointedly. There’s no spare key. His eyes are like two piss holes in the snow and he is swaying a little. “I need sleep,” he moans.

Me: “Crash in our spare room. I’m in and out all day. Make yourself at home. Help your self to anything.”

Nick: “Anything? You sure?”

Me: “Yup.

I rescue a wailing Vita from the buggy outside, shake the egg and toast crumbs onto the grass and bring her inside.  Nick is already halfway up the stairs.  “Spare room’s first on the left.  Have a good one.” I say, internally congratulating myself for being so neighbourly and so grown up for being able to handle a hot man sleeping in my house, unchaperoned.

I hear the spare room door shut and I make myself another coffee. I would do anything to go back to bed too but I’ve got to get ready for ‘baby swimming’. Groan. As I pack Vita’s nappy bag and organise her swim stuff I have a flashback to Nick, sporting his yellow lycra, climbing up my ladder and pressing into me whilst I was attempting to rescue Sienna, trapped in her room. No-one looks hot in lycra – especially a neon shade of urine – however, Doctor Nick does. Or is it the outline of his willy which makes the shiny cheapness of the material and lurid colour fade into insignificance? Maybe. Definitely.

I ponder other packages on The Patch. Si has a lovely package but his is better encased in black Calvins, and navy chinos, teamed with black loafers. He has an all-in-one lycra cycling leotard. And. It. Frightens. Me.

I strip off my clothes at the bottom of the stairs to change into my swimming costume and realise it’s in my room.  I jog up in my underwear, open the door and let out a scream.  Doctor Nick is in our bed!!

Nick jumps out of bed with a yell. He is butt naked and I get a full-frontal eyeful.

Me: “The spare room is next door!”

Nick: “I’m dyspraxic!”

Me: “Then why did you become a trauma doctor?”

Nick: “I like a challenge.”

Me: “Fuck!”

I hear the front door click open. Si walks in and looks straight up the stairs to see a naked doctor and his wife, sporting nothing but over-laundered peach underwear.   Nick’s eyes are bulging out of their sockets.  He knows how this looks.  “Morning.” He says feigning nonchalance.

“Hello, Doctor!” says Si, carefully picking his way over my discarded clothing in the hallway. He greets Vita in her bouncer in the kitchen.  An exhausted Doctor Nick pleads, “Can I go back to sleep?”

Me: “Yes, of course. Sorry.” I rummage in a chest of drawers, find my costume and am outta there in a flash (so to speak). As I close the door quietly, he says, “You’re a peach.”

I rush downstairs, pick up my clothes and enter the kitchen. Si is making himself a coffee. He smiles at me. I am cross he is so cool. “We could have been shagging! Why are you not angry?!”

Si: “He’s obviously come off nights and forgotten his key. Am I right?”

Me: “Yes. But..”

Si: “That annoys you?”

Me: “Because you don’t think I’ve got the magic anymore! You don’t think I’m a ‘hot piece of ass’!”

Si: “Reverse that ass over here…”

And, dear readers, while the good doctor slept soundly in our marital bed (and Vita watched Mr Tumble), we had a little tumble of our own in the kitchen, shaking the key cupboard so vigorously Mr Legoman dropped out. Oops.

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A Sting in the Tale.

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I want to get going. But Si is chatting away to the hotel manager, complimenting him on his wonderful rose garden, which is lovely, it really is, but it’s already 11 and this is our last full day to explore the Amalfi Coast. The first 20 minutes of the conversation I enjoyed, but he won’t let the poor man go and he’s obviously got things to do but Si is not a receiver of subtle social cues.

After coughing, swinging my handbag around, yawning, shifting my weight from foot to foot, sighing and tugging at his sleeve, I give up and leave them to it.  The cream convertible Citroën 2CV  is waiting at the entrance of the hotel. I jump in, sit in the passenger seat and apply my garish coral lipstick, attempting to wait patiently for Simon, like so many other wives I’ve seen. Five minutes tick by v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and that’s it, I’ve had enough. I go to round up my husband again.

And he’s still talking to the bloody owner! But now he’s got a glass in hand too. That’ll take at least another half an hour and I want to GO!  I march up to Simon, my flashing eyes hidden behind my aviators, my floral skirt billowing in the breeze.  I absorb the scene before shooting my mouth off.  The signore speaks first.

Hotel Manager: “Simon was telling me about his Lady Jane Hamiltons when he was stung by a wasp.”

Me: “They smell amazing. (To Si) What is it with us and the local wildlife?” I say scratching the mosquito welts on my arms and resisting the ones on my bottom that are now begging for a quick scratch.

Si takes his middle finger out of the glass of ice cubes and sticks it up at me. “Ow.” He says putting it back in the ice.

“It’s just a sting love,” I say, echoing the Yorkshire nurse in Swindon hospital the day before our wedding. I had zero sympathy from Simon, only jokes about my fat hand and that he had special exercises to bring down the swelling down.  I thank the hotel owner again for the loan of his car and drag Si off, with the ice.

We walk past the saltwater infinity pool overlooking the bay and the town below. He tried to take my hand as we cross under the bougainvillaea arbours to the grand staircase. We descend linking arms. “Hold my hand,” he says. But I don’t want to because it hurts my shoulder because he’s shorter than me.

“I don’t want you to drag my knuckles on the ground,” I say grinning.

Si: “You are so bloody rude.”

“Thank you,” I say, infuriating him more by taking it as a compliment.

Our 2CV chariot with HOTEL POSEIDON emblazoned across the doors is now blocked in by a taxi and several abandoned cars; Piaggios squeeze past and a coach honks angrily.

Si still insists on driving in spite of his sting and five minutes later after more honking horns, lots of Italians shouting at each other, we are away.  The breeze, the freedom, no tots wailing in the back, just us on the Italian coast. Bliss. The cerulean sea on our right, the opulent villas in the hills on our left and the crazy Italian drivers all around, we grin at each other like lobotomized goons. THIS IS THE LIFE.

We have no idea where we are going so Si takes a right at a fork and we keep with the coast road. He says his finger is throbbing and it’s visibly swollen, but I tell him to man-up (just as he told me when I broke my collarbone and he cancelled the air ambulance after a horse fell on me.)

I smile at him.  God, he’s annoying as f*ck but then I am a total liability – thank god we found each other. I wonder if anyone else would have us. I flick through a few contenders in my mind – Doctor Nick? Maybe. He does have tremendous patience. How about Buck (Mandy’s hubby)? I quickly discount him as not my type. The General pops into my mind and I decide he’d put up with anything as long as I stuck things up his bottom.

Si asks me what I’m thinking about. “Putting things up the General’s bottom.”

Si: “What?!”

I want to know more about the information he’s gathered on The General but he says he’ll tell me another day. He shouldn’t have mentioned anything.  I ask him for a hint.

Si pauses. “If my sources are correct, he’s going to jail.”

Me: “Oh my god.”

Si: “You need to keep an eye on him and Fiona and say nothing to no-one.”

“Anyone.” He’s never really grasped grammar but then he is from Devon, I think.

We reach another fork in the road.  Si is now reaching his limits of spontaneity and would like to know where the hell we are going. I tell him to go left. I have a vague idea there is a restaurant in the hills.

Si drives on. “My goolies are composting,” he says, shifting uncomfortably on the hot leather seats. I thank him for the information.

At the next crossroads, he uses the opportunity for me to itch the middle of his back. “There are no signposts – where now?”

“Right,” I say with confidence.

Si: “Are you sure?”

Me: “No.”

He stops the car. “Listen, I’m hot and I don’t want to go on a wild goose chase today. Is there a restaurant up here?”

Me: “I thought we were going to ‘just go where the roads take us’.”

Si: “Yes and we are but I know you and everything always turns into an epic unless we have a plan.”

Me: “Oh, because we’ve never ended up on a survival mission after one for your rambles to the pub?”

Si: “That was a faulty compass! You make one mistake…”

Me: “Do you want me to drive?”

Si: “No, I’m perfectly fine driving.  I just want to know where I am going!”

Me: “I don’t know – that’s the point of an adventure.”

“F**cking fine,” says Si accelerating at speed.  And off we go wiggling and winding this way and that until we arrive at a hilltop hamlet, inhabited by locals and a few animals. An old woman stares at our ‘Hotel Poseidon’ deckchair car.

Si: “There’s nothing here.”

Me: “Is the General visiting prostitutes?”

Si: “Drop it.”

Me: “Am I right?”

Si: “No.”

“Damn,” I say pointing at a faded wooden sign with Ristorante on. I look at Si in triumph and we keep driving down an even narrower dust track on the edge of a sheer hillside for a few miles.  And, right at the end, is the restaurant I had hoped to find. “See,” I beam.  Si is now sweating profusely.

“Why didn’t you bring a hat?” I ask, getting out to take a look. As I walk over I already know it’s deserted but I feel the need to double check.  I’m also hoping I can open a set of double gates into a courtyard so Si can turn round. They are padlocked.

I get back in the car. Si is now expelling water like a human fountain and looks lead grey.  I break the news that the ristorante is no more and we need to reverse all the way back to the hamlet.

He says nothing and starts to back up but he’s all over the place, dangerously close to the edge. I jump out to assist, encouraging him to stay ‘closer to the cliff face’ and I am reminded of ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’, a film of my childhood.  “Well done,” I say. “You’re doing really well.”

But Si is not doing well at all and soon his reversing is increasingly erratic as he overturns the steering wheel this way and that. “Stop!” I shout and walk round to see what’s going on.  Si is now even paler and struggling to breathe. “How much further?” he wheezes.

“A f*ck of a long way. Get out!” I order him.

“No,” he says defiantly.

“Get out and strip, Simon!” I haul him out by his arm.

Si: “Not here, I’m not in the mood.”

I rip the buttons of his check shirt and my suspicions are confirmed – he is covered in a rash. “Urticaria,” I say, my hypochondriac voice coming to the fore.

Si: “Urti…?”

Me: “It’s a reaction to the sting. We need to get you to a hospital. F*uck.”

Si: “I just need a little sleep and I’ll be right as rain.”

“Stay the f*ck awake!” I say bundling him into the passenger seat. I get in the driver’s side and take a deep breath – if I can reverse tractors WITH trailers (one of my Country Matters challenges), I can reverse this car without falling off a mountain. In theory.

I put the gearstick into reverse and slowly gather pace until the car is whining on full lock. ‘Clonk’, the back wheel clips the cliff face. I adjust my line. A few more clonks and bangs later and I am spinning the car round in a driveway of goats and tearing off, wheels spinning at breakneck speed.

Si is fighting for breath.  I grab my handbag at his feet, still driving with fury, and take out one of the four bottles of water I cannily brought with us.  “Drink,” I order.

A car is coming the other way on this single track but I am not slowing down. I try to flash my lights but put the windscreen wipers on. I drive on.

Si: “F**king hell!!”

The car pulls over and I zoom past, tooting. Si is now covered in water.

“There’s a hospital in Amalfi – I saw the sign on the way.”  I drive full speed, the 2CV rattling and, after getting lost in a one-way system, I hum the Marseilles – which is as good as any tune to head down a ‘no entry’ road – humming louder as I narrowly miss a moped and two pedestrians. I swing into the newly tarmacked hospital car park, abandon the car by the entrance and drag Si out, channelling the strength of a rugby player. Perhaps a French one?

“Aiuto,” I shout (thanking my lucky stars I lost my virginity to an Italian). But I don’t know the bloody Italian word for wasp.  “Bzzzzzzzz.” I say. They look at me poleaxed. “Bzzzzzz. Ow. Ow.” I say miming a sting on Si’s arm but pinching him. “Ow!” he adds.

And then I shout the universal magic word of, “Anaphylaxis!”

And four nursing staff jump into action, shove Si on a bed and wheel him off, by the time I’ve parked the car he’s been pumped full of adrenaline, steroids and antihistamine and is breathing normally, with the help of an oxygen mask.  I hold his hand, watching his legs jerking like a post-Ibiza come down.

***

A few hours later, I am able to take him away and he feels strong enough to check the 2CV for dents and dinks. There is no damage and he seems disappointed. I want him to tell me I am a legend, that I saved his life but we drive silently back to the hotel. I enter the underground garage (where I am to leave Herbie) and back the car slowly into a space and eeeoiiitttcccchhh!  I catch the back panel on a concrete column.  I look at Si in horror and let loose on the Italian swear words: “Vafanculo testa di katza, bastardo dentro. VAFANCULO!!!”

The last word echoes around the garage. I repeatedly bang my head on the steering wheel, before noticing the owner, watching from the shadows, showing another guest a blue MG.  He has seen the whole thing.

Si grins at me, somewhat smugly.

VA. FAN. F**KING. CULO.

Woman versus Mosquito

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woman versus mosquito italy vanessa wilde blog

And Relax.

We’ve had a busy day visiting Ravello (Italy) in the mountains near Amalfi, because action-man Simon refuses to ‘sit around by the pool all day doing nothing’.  But he is finally winding down and does want an early night. I, however, do not. I want to go out for dinner and a few drinks, okay lots of drinks and a bit of ballare. We only have four nights and five days and need to get our money’s worth. For me just being in the sunshine, with Italian food and men is like a shot in the arm of meth-amphetamine, but Si is dog tired from working so hard and all that bloody cycling. (I know I say he’s does sweet f*** all at Army Staff College in Wiltshire in the week, whilst I have the kids, alone, but my holiday-self will admit that he is actually being thrashed by General Jeremy Smith who pulling out all the stops to break him and his promising career.

At dinner at a small family restaurant, Le Tre Sorelle, near our hotel in Positano, he tells me the extent of the General’s vendetta and, well, it seems it’s a little bit my fault.  Not totally though, Si assures me. Ever since I stormed Salisbury Plain to retrieve the children’s favourite toys, The General has been trying to have Si court-marshaled, but Si has been gathering evidence on him too and what he’s found is weighing heavily on him.  Si looks at me, holding my hands across the table. I love this romantic version of him: he’s softer, kinder and more attractive. Maybe the light’s different in Italy? Everything, including me – with the help of fake tan and spanx, looks better. Why is that?

Si: “What I’ve uncovered is…”

A Italian band of musicians suddenly materializes and starts playing ‘O Sole Mio’ at full blast by our table. The violinist winks at me and I blush. God I LOVE this country.  It’s the first time I’ve been winked at since having kids and it makes me feel 18. I wink back and I expect Si to give me a death stare or threaten to ‘bang him out’ but he smiles, wearily but contented.

They stop playing, the diners clap and Si continues his story….

Si: “What I have uncovered…”

The waiters rush to the table and start banging down plates.  “Il pesce del giorno, per la signora.” (I miss being a signorina) “E linguine vongole, questo.”

Me: “Grazie”

Si: “Grazie.  So this goes all the way to the top….”

Waiter: “Black pepper?”

Si: “Si”

The band start up a gentle number as they promenade around the al fresco tables. Waiter: “Bouno appetito.”

Si: “With a bit of help from an old mate in MI5…”

Me: “MI5?”

Si: “You really can’t tell anyone about this.”

I nod.

Si: “We’ve found…..”

A trumpet sounds loudly behind my left ear and the band cranks up the tempo, playing Le Macarena. I want to hear Si’s revelation but this cheesy number is really making me want to dance and down cocktails but I look at Si’s exhausted face and realise I need to take him back to the hotel and soon. The Energiser Bunny has hit a wall and for the first time in ages I am worried about him.

***

As we climb the 200 steps back up to our boutique hotel, I ask Si about what this MI5 guy knows but he deftly changes the subject to an amusing stories of our girls, Vita (8months) and Sienna (2.5). (The latter named after the Tuscan city for entirely inappropriate reasons but that’s for another time)

When we unlock the door of our high ceiling Baroque-style room, the Limoncello has gone to my head and I am feeling amorous. I also need the loo and one of the best things about going on holiday without a baby and a toddler is going to the loo ALONE. In fact doing everything alone showering, shaving my bush and not having to explain why I have a hairy bottom in the first place, changing a tampon – Mummy a mouse! I saw it’s tail.)   Whilst on my Italian throne alone, a place of great plans, I decide we should throw off our English prudishness about my unfortunate ‘time of the month’ – I will slip on a silky negligee and seduce my husband.

I flush the loo and return to the bedroom full of sexy plans to discover Si is passed out on the bed, fully-clothed and snoring. FFS. I go to wake him but he looks so tired I decide not to, however, I am now very awake without anyone to play with.

I start to read a book – I haven’t read a whole book in over three years – but I can’t settle. I look in the minibar, then at the price list and my brain bleeds. I go out on to the balcony and gaze out over twinkling lights of Positano – I want to be out there, drinking a crisp white, practicing my Italian and breathing in MS cigarettes.

I remember when my childhood best friend and I hit Italy aged 18 – we had the most epic two weeks of our lives, breaking the heart of a concierge, a carabinieri and a hot, but toothless, stone mason called Massimo, whilst crashing a moped into a lorry, being arrested at a rave and hitch-hiking back across Tuscany with two octagenarians. Those were the days. The old, unmarried me would have run back into town and by the end of the evening had a whole host of new Italian friends. I resist my old wild urges, pick up the phone and order an Aperol Spritz instead. I will listen to Basement Jaxx, look out over the moonlit bay and recall the wonderful memories of my scandalous past until it’s time to sleep.

It takes another two Aperols.

And by now I am dancing in my silky red negligee on the balcony to the electronic soundtrack of my youth. “Whenever I’m down I call on you my friend,” I sing and swaying my pelvis, quietly enough not bother our neighbours, but provocatively enough to court the attention of the Manager who is watching me from the poolside. He bows and blows a kiss up to me; I bow and dart inside.  It’s time for bed.

I climb under the sheet next to Si, still sleeping on his back with his mouth open. It is the most relaxed I have seen him, given he usually slumbers on his elbows ready for action.  I turn the light off, stretch, yawn and hear the high-pitched zzzz of a mosquito.  I switch on the light and jump up. FFS.

I need to get this mosquito because I have already been bitten five times the night before and the bites are itching like crazy. I search the white-washed walls like a special forces operative. “I will find you,” I say picking up the book I couldn’t be arsed to read. By the time I have looked at every nook and cranny, and searched the bathroom, I give up. However, I am unarmed against another attack, having no bug spray. I look at the balcony and close the doors. I don’t need this SOB inviting his friends to have an all-you-can-eat buffet on my arse as I sleep.

I turn the light off. Zzzz.  I switch them on again and grab a shoe. It will die, it will die, it will die! And now I can hear it flying away, but I can’t see it. There’s not enough light in this f***ing room so I turn on the main lights; Si sleeps on. I need to get this f***er, that is my mission. After another 10 minutes I have failed and go back to bed.

I stay alert for what seems ages, but I am now slowly crossing no-mans land to the valley of sleep when zzzz. I jump into action, switch on all the lights and I see the mother-f***er just floating up to the corner of the ceiling on Si’s side of the room and I know I can kill it, I know I can make the leap so I jump up, carried by rage and Scottish warrior genes and I f***ing spatter the disease-spreading critter over the wall, along with my A+ blood.

And then Newton’s theory takes over and I land hard on Si’s face and he jolts like he’s being defibrillated from the mains, shouting, “argh” and is suddenly up on his feet in a karate stance, arms and eyes ready for a fight.

Si: “Where is he? Where is he?!”

Me: “Who?”

Si: “The scrambag who planted the bomb?”

The bomb?

And from the middle of Afghan plains of trauma, he suddenly awakes behind his open eyes and says, “What the f**k?”

And I say triumphantly pointing at the blood-spattered wall: “Look! I got it!”

Si is unable to return to sleep and I, after many grovelling apologies and attempts to soothe his ragged nerves, pass out cold in 10 minutes flat, snoring hard to add insult to injury.

***

At breakfast I apologize again to a now very pale Simon and I suggest we sleep and relax by the pool today but he isn’t very good at staying put, particularly now I have triggered some kind of serious stress response.

The Manager bids us buongiorno and dangles some keys above our heads. “As the owner of the hotel (who knew) I would like to give you the keys of my vintage Citroen 2CV for the day.   He then says to me in Italian. “Your dancing last night was spectacular, your husband is a lucky man.”

Si: “What did he say?”

Me: “He said you are a very lucky man.”

Si: “After having a mosquito-killing Aperol Spritz lunatic, jump on my face at 1am, yeah, lucky me.”

Me: “And because of my lovely balcony dancing he has given us the keys to his Citroen.”

Si takes off his glasses to reveal a black eye. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby

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Let's talk about sex baby vanessa wilde

“Have you phoned your parents yet? We need childcare,” I say surfing babysitting websites in bed, still unable to drag my sorry hung-over carcass out of it. My head is throbbing and my breasts feel like they’ve done work experience at Yeo Valley.

I look at Si. He still can’t quite look me in the eye, having found me spooning with Doctor Nick in the small hours, after returning with Sienna from A&E.

“You never do that with me,” says Simon sitting on the bed, Vita in his arms.

Me: “Do what?”

Si: “Cuddle up like you did with Doctor Nick. You don’t.  I try to spoon you and all I get is thanks, now f*ck off and goodnight.”

I laugh.

Si: “It’s not funny. I’ve done my best to be sensitive to your needs but you’ve shut up shop and I need sex. We need sex.”

“That’s why we are going on a two and half thousand pound holiday to Italy – doh – to have SEX.”  Sienna walks in and looks quizzically at us both. We hold our breath waiting for her to say the s-word. She doesn’t. Instead she climbs into bed with me for a cuddle.

Simon is pole-axed. “Two and a half grand? TWO AND A HALF GRAND?! We don’t have any money!”

I cuddle Sienna a little too tightly. “Ow!”

Me: “Lower your voice, Si.”

Si: “Lower your expectations.”

Me: “That’s why I married you.”

Si: “Cheap.”

Me: “Unlike the holiday which is about us being together and reconnecting.”

Si: “I get that but why does it have to be so expensive.”

Me: “Because I think we’re worth it but we’re not going anywhere unless we can find someone to look after the girls.”

Sienna: “Mummy, my arm really hurts.”

Me: “My poor little poppet.  What else is Daddy going to do? You put athlete’s foot cream on her fandango, take their toys to a war zone, lock us out of the house, don’t put her bed rail up so she falls out and now you begrudge us our first holiday in nearly three years.” I say, tears welling up as I move myself with my own heartfelt words.

“Naughty Daddy!” Shouts Sienna and Vita trumps on his hand.

“Jesus! Of course, Mummy’s perfect even though she went binge drinking with her friends and was found cuddling the bloody neighbour!”

I try to stifle a snort. Si and I look at each other, our eyes twinkling. We burst into laughter. “Bring on Italy,” he says clambering onto the bed to kiss me. “You’re right – sod it. How many days?”

Me: “Five.”

Si: “What for two and a half grand?”

Me: “Let it go.”

Si: “Where are we staying – a palace?”

Me: “Yes. Call your parents. We need childcare,” I say handing him the phone.

Si: “Okay, okay. But what about your Mum?”

I shake my head. He sighs and dials his parents’ number. It rings out so he leaves a message.  “I’m not holding my breath,” he says.

“And I’m not taking the girls to Positano,” I say.

Si: “Well, you’re going to have to work on my Dad.”

I groan, putting a pillow over my head.  Sienna jumps on top of it.  I will do anything to get to Italy. Anything! Even sweet-talk Simon’s father who Si would describe as a straight-talking, paternal Jock (Scot). I, however, would suggest tricky and reminiscent of the Dickensian patriarch Mr M’Choakumchild in Hard Times is more accurate.

Habitually I am able to charm the elderly into submission (having dated a few Saga-louts in my twenties, including Humphery Hurtwood, a naughty equestrian with hands the size of dinner plates), with a little saucy humour and the heave of my ample bosom it’s been enough to make any sanguine crusty crack a smile, but not Edwin Kettle. He has a steadfast immunity to my wiles and is deeply suspicious of anyone who hasn’t put their hand up a cow’s backside. And I’ve done a lot of things in my time but that particular pleasure has eluded me.

“Right, I’ve left a message; your turn. Try your Ma again.”

I call Granny and Roge who been angry since the Salisbury incident (not Nobuchok, the other crisis involving soft toys on The Plains). In fact, it’s more that I left them alone to cope with the children in order to go drinking with my wayward older sister, which they find unforgivable.

“Hello Granny,” I say upbeat.

“Hello,” she says coolly.

I tell her about Sienna’s green-stick fracture to her wrist and Granny defrosts in seconds, wanting to know how her little sunbeam is.  I tell her I was out with some girlfriends at the time.

She groans. “Did you drink too much?”

Me: “Yes.”

Granny; “You’ve got to stop this, you’re nearly 40.”

“I’m 34! Si was looking after them and forgot to put up her bedrail.” I say, throwing him under the bus.

Granny: “Typical.”

Me: “I know, he does one night and she ends up in A & E.”

Granny: “Men!”

Si rolls his eyes and leaves the room. I imagine he’s sneaked off for an hour visit to the loo with the newspapers but miraculously he returns having folded the washing.

“We’re not all bad, Granny,” he says loudly.

I tell her he’s folded the laundry.  She says I don’t know I’m born, Roge hasn’t lifted a finger for the past 49 years, which I know isn’t true but it makes me laugh.  Si is laughing that now Roge is getting it in the neck instead of him.  I am glad to be back on good terms with Granny, we clash from time to time but it’s never for very long because we love each other dearly.

I’m just about to ask about next week when she reads my mind, “Listen, your father and I have spoken and now we’re feeling a bit stronger – we think we can manage the little ones.”

And instead of saying thank you, I say. “I think it might be a bit much so why don’t you just have Sienna and I’ll ask Edwin and Penny if they’ll have Vita in Parracombe (the farm in Devon).”

Granny likes the sound of this plan very much. “Because Sienna doesn’t wake up as early as Vita, does she?”

Me: “No, not ’til 7.30.”

Granny: “That’s still very early but Roge can do the morning shift until I’m ready at 10.” (Granny doesn’t do mornings).

We organise the drops off plan and I hang up. “One down. One to go.”

Si: “You lied and are going to hell.”

Me: “If I told her Sienna gets up at 5 she wouldn’t do it.”

My phone pings; it’s Mandy WhatsApping me: “I just drank your f***ing b milk in my coffee!!!!! I didn’t put it on Buck’s cornflakes cos I realised it was gross but he used it in my coffee (he takes his black). Just made myself sick. Hate you – all your fault. [PUKE FACE]

***

Some hours later, Simon’s father calls.  Si spends 15 minutes buttering him up and I am supposed to close the deal.  “Well, I’m glad the bull’s performing well, Dad.”

Edwin: “Yes.”

Si: “Wish this one was.”

Edwin: “What?”

Si: “Just handing you over to Nessa.”

I take the phone and he says: “Now let’s not beat around the bush I know why you’re calling. Penelope and I will have the children on one condition.”

Me: “Okay…”

Edwin: “I’m after some publicity for my new Limousin genomics programme so I’m laying down a Country Matters challenge for you.”

Me: “Right…”

Edwin: “I want you to collect semen from Shakin’ Stevens and I have a feeling you’ll be very good at it.” Bizarrely Edwin names all his bulls after 80s pop stars. I accept his challenge and hang up.

W*nking off Shakin’ Stevens – talk about taking one for the team.

***

 Si is still chuckling about Shakin’ Stevens at bedtime when we fall into our love nest, me, dog tired from my hangover, Simon, dead, from looking after the kids for a whole 24 hour period. Weak.

We cuddle up and start to kiss. My phone pings and we break apart. It’s Mandy on What’sApp. Si sighs. “Parking Nazi is back on Facebook.” And the sad truth is, instead of having sex I swipe to the page and read out the latest missive from Queen Fiona, more excited by Miss Julie calling The General a ‘pr*ck’ and ‘giving him the middle finger’ than the prospect of sex with my husband. Poor Simon.

Still, we’ll always have Italy….

Lock and Key

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Key Husband Taken Key Vanessa Wilde

Sienna gently shakes me awake, before shining my iPhone torch into both retinas. Argh!  I grab the phone. It’s 5.48am.  “Go back to bed,” I say but she is wide awake. “It’s morning,” she replies. I swipe to the Cebeebies App, select ‘Hey Duggee’ and give her the phone to take back to bed. My head is pounding, my mouth furry and I just want to go home, to get back to normality and forget about the last few days. I look at Simon, he is staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. He is not going to let any of this go easily.

Si: “Vita’s been up all night while you were snoring your head off.”

Me: “Sorry. I’ll feed her.”

Si: “Is it safe?”

Me: “I didn’t smoke anything.” Then I remember all the Marlboro Reds. Oh, God. Still, they are legal.

Si: “You’re still over the limit,” he grunts.

***

In the small kitchenette of the Granny annexe, built over Roge’s workshop for my mother’s mother, I defrost a pouch of expressed breast milk in the ancient microwave my Granny once used.  I pour the milk into a MAM bottle and stir it with an 80s Royal wedding teaspoon. Apparently, Vita’s refusing to take the bottle again and hasn’t been eating much at all. I open the door to check on her, she is awake so I try to feed her from the bottle. She punches it away and nuzzles into my boobs. Oh god, I’m back where I started. I take a breath, cuddle her and mercifully she starts to drink from the bottle. She is hungry and gulps down the contents.

Si is cleaning his teeth with Sienna when I suggest we all head back to London and enjoy the weekend together there. “We can potter in the garden or go to Kew…”

Si: “Can’t, Army 100k cycle today.”

Me: “Not again.”

Si: “It’s been in the iCal for ages.”

Me: “But…”

Si: “This isn’t about cycling, it’s about repairing my career. I need to show my face at everything, do everything right from now on, not get pulled out of work by your parents because you’ve gone AWOL and left them with the kids. General Smith is gunning for me.”

Me: “Can we come and watch? The cycling, not the gunning, I mean.”

Si: “Not exactly a spectators sport,” he says curtly.

Me: “I think we’ll head back to London then.”

Si: “You need to apologise to your parents first.” I nod.

***

Si heads off and I get the children their breakfast. When they are both happily munching I call Granny. “Hello,” she says in a strained voice.

Me: “Can we come for coffee?”

Granny: “We are not receiving before 10 o’clock.”

“Oh, right. Okay,” I say, knowing I am firmly in the pooh.

So I decide to take the girls out on a country ramble instead, the sunshine will do us all good. I put Vita in a sling, help Sienna into her red wellies and open the door. Except it’s locked. I yank the handle down again.  I then start looking for the key, but it’s nowhere to be found and in my heart, I already know what the problem is. Simon’s locked us in.

I call him but he doesn’t answer, so I call Granny back, knowing I will get both barrels.

Granny: “What now?” She says out of breath. “I keep putting a foot in the bath and then the phone rings.”

Me: “I’m locked in the flat, Si’s taken the key.”

Granny: “What’s wrong with you all?”

***

Roge opens the door with his key. He looks cross.

Roge: “You’ve broken me and your mother. You said the day.” He looks at me. “Eyes like piss holes in the snow. Why do you do it to yourself?” He gives me a hug.

Me: “I don’t know. Don’t worry we’re going back to London.”

Roge: “How? Your car’s in Cheltenham.”

Oh, bugger. I’d forgotten about that bit. And Granny’s not taking me back to the car until after lunch, because she’s brought in all our favourites and we are going to have to eat it, all of it.

Granny: “I can cope with the girls when you’re here but not on our own.” She says tossing a salad. The girls munch happily on olives and breadsticks, enjoying eating outside in their grandparents’ beautiful garden. Vita has thankfully found her appetite.

Granny: “We were so worried, she didn’t eat anything and wouldn’t stop crying and screaming and grandpa was brilliant because you know I can’t deal with crying babies but it almost pushed him over the edge.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but Granny….”

“I haven’t finished. We love our grandchildren with every fibre of our being but yesterday was a nightmare and you’re not doing that to us again. So we have decided – and I’m sorry daring – we are not having them when you go to Italy. We just can’t. You’ll have to see if Si’s parents will have them in Devon – they’re much younger than us.”

Me: “The same age.”

Granny: “Vanessa I don’t think you realise how ill I am. I look okay on the outside but inside I’m 92. Would you like to see the amount of tablets I’m on?”

Me: “Dad said you could cope.”

Granny: “He says a lot of things.”

Roge: “I said for the day, not the whole night.”

Me: “But Simon came back in the afternoon.”

Granny: “None of us could cope.”

Me: “Well if three of you couldn’t, how do you think I do?”

Granny: “We are in our 70s and they’re YOUR children.”

Me: “I needed a day to myself.”

Granny: “Going to smoke wacky backy with your sister is not the answer.”

Me: “I didn’t.”

Granny: “But she’s still on it?”

Sienna: “On what Granny?”

Granny: “Eat your ham.”

Me: “She seems in a much better space.”

Granny: “Still with that appalling man, Brian the gorilla?”

Me: “Dog. They seem pretty close.”

Granny: “Until he goes back to his other wife and children.”

Me: “She’s touring with the West Country circus this summer I think we should go.”

Granny and Roge exchange uncomfortable glances.

***

We drive en-masse to pick up my stranded Volvo, me in the back again like a child between my own children. It shouldn’t feel humiliating but it does.

Granny: “Let’s see if there are any wheels on it.”

Me: “It’s Cheltenham.”

Granny: “The wrong side.”

The car is, of course, intact and mercifully Steph and Brian are out.  Roge and Granny look disappointed; they haven’t seen Steph in over six months.

***

My car is finally packed with children, the beloved cuddly toys: Bunny, Tiggy, Taggy and all the other accoutrements. As I motor down the M4 back to London, I start to feel better, which is strange considering I’ve never wanted to live in a city, now I am leaving this recent blip behind me, I feel I can start anew.  I will be better at this marriage and motherhood stuff. No more ball dropping.

I park up in our drive and wave at Mandy & Buck sitting on their picnic bench watching the children play in our close.  And that’s when I realise I don’t have a front door key.

I turn my handbag upside down, the nappy bag and its contents are emptied over the lawn, just as Fiona returns from running her tits off again. She scowls at me and disappears into her house.

SIMON HAS TAKEN THE KEY.

This is too much. First the toys, then locking me in, now this. No wonder I went on a fricking bender. He’s driving me to it.

I call him and this time he answers. “Si you locked me in the Granny flat this morning and now you’ve taken the effing house key!”

“What?” he says out of breath. “Cycling. Big hill.”

Me: “House key!”

Si: “Oh.” He says. “Spare?”

Me: “Course we don’t have a spare, that would mean we were organised! (pause) Now we’re even.” I hang up before he can reply and saunter over to Mandy and Buck.

Me: “Hi guys. Enjoying the sunshine?”

They nod.

“Listen, I’ve got a slight problem….”

 

 

 

 

Toy Soldiers

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Lost cuddly toys toy soldiers Vanessa wilde

Wednesday 6.30pm
Si won’t stay for supper. He’s done the wall and needs to get back to Wiltshire – he has a big day tomorrow. He starts to tell me all about it but I zone out after the first military acronym…

I smell my seven-month old’s bottom. “Jesus! (To him) Sounds great, Simon. (To the kids) Right, bath time everyone.”

“I’ll help,” says Si getting the hint.

He washes Sienna’s hair while I dunk Baby Beelzebub.  These are the precious moments of family time, but now he has to rush off again to serve Queen and Country and for once I actually feel sorry for him. We make a good team and I love him deeply even though he annoys me to the stars and back. (I know the feeling is mutual).

He dries and dresses Vita, while Sienna continues to play mermaids in the bath. She has a new game of late where she sits on the edge and uses the side as a slide, creating a tidal wave of soapy water.

“No, Sienna!” we both say smiling at each other fully cognisant of the fact that mixing our genes and character traits was always going to to be a dangerous and devious experiment.

“She’s got your genes,” I say.

“No, it’s your Jock genes,” says Simon

He suddenly looks grey and weary. “Sorry I can’t stay,” he says. “I can’t wait for the time when we are all living together in the same house.”  We kiss again.  All this time I’ve been complaining about staying with the mini-psychopaths, when actually, it’s a greater wrench to leave. (That is until you get to where you’re going, free, unburdened, able to finish a sentence and concentrate, without vast changing bags of rice cakes, snacks and wet wipes weighing you down or the sudden palpable fear that you don’t know where The-One-That-Can-Walk IS!)

“Wish me luck,” he says descending the stairs.

“Good luck,” I say not having the faintest idea what for.  “Knock ‘em dead.” I add. Si grabs his Army hold-all, black rucksack and is gone.

It’s only when both tots are finally in their pyjamas I realise I haven’t seen Vita’s Bunny or Sienna’s two hedgehogs, Tiggy & Taggy.  I secure my feral creatures in Vita’s cot with some pop-up books and search downstairs for the cuddly toys. I’m not going to panic they are here somewhere. I look in the Chinese vase where bricks, magnets, and remotes are hidden. No. In the Ikea circus tent? Nope. Under the kitchen table? No.

I return upstairs and search the rooms, but the toys are nowhere to be seen and what’s worse, I can’t find a dummy for baby Vita to such, either.

Sienna laughs with excitement as I lift the cot up to see if Bunny or the dummies are underneath. Nothing.  This is getting serious.  I ask Sienna if has she’s seen Tiggy & Taggy.

Sienna: “Maybe they’re on holiday.”

Not a-f***ing-gain! Why has everything got to go on holiday? Except us!

I snap. “Where the hell have you hidden them?” The impending horror of what is to come for the next ten hours starts to close in on me: the broken sleep, the incessant wailing, the bloodcurdling screams.  No, no, no! They must be somewhere! 

I look Sienna in the eye, my face almost touching hers, “I’m going to ask you one more time, where is Bunny and the fricking hedgehogs?”

“I don’t know,” she says unblinking.

Me: “Yes, you bloody do.”

“No, I bloody don’t.” She shouts in my face. “Maybe they’re in the woods with Piglet.” (Another animal enjoying a ‘holiday’.)

I take a big breath.

F**K.

I run downstairs and Vita starts to howl. Sienna joins in for good measure, shouting “Tiggy and Taggy are lost in the woods and a fox is coming! And they are lonely!” She cries harder moved by her own story.

And I KNOW that two-year-old sod-ette is responsible for their loneliness and terror and I need to find them to avoid the same terrible fate. I tear downstairs apart, I tear upstairs apart; I run out into the Close like a woman-possessed, look on the trampoline, under it, in the Wendy House, under the cherry tree. I put out a message on the Patch Facebook Page. I Whatsapp my neighbours. And…. NOTHING.

And suddenly I’m in the middle of the Close, in the descending darkness looking this way and that, because there is no solution Taggy WAS Tiggy’s back up and Bunny doesn’t have an understudy. I am screwed.

I phone Si. It goes to voicemail. It’s not his fault, don’t yell at him. Breathe, breathe.

Me: “Hi honey, have you seen Bunny or Tiggy and Taggy? They are missing. Call me when you can.”

***

But he doesn’t call back and it’s midnight before the screams and wails stop and the small people finally fall asleep and so do I.  And then the night terrors begin with the baby passing the sleep-killing baton to the toddler and back again so I barely have any sleep.

By dawn I am broken, my teeth feel too big for my mouth and my face is numb because I’ve been sleeping on my phone waiting for Si to call.

And then Sienna, lying next to me in my bed, whispers conspiratorially. “Maybe our toys jumped in Daddy’s rucksack?”

I squint at her from under the covers and she says with a shrug. “Maybe they wanted to go to Wiltshire.”

***

I load my protesting toddler and screaming baby (still without a dummy) into the back of the Volvo and finish packing up all the crap that two children under three require.

I lock up the house, jump in the driver’s seat and exit the Close, travelling up through West London to hit the M4 to Wiltshire.  I know Simon is doing something near Salisbury this morning. Jesus, maybe he’s dealing with Russians and Novichok? Should I turn around? I’m not really sure I want the kids as extras in McMafia. And then I remember he mentioned Salisbury Plain, so type it into the Satnav.

My mission is clear: I need to get Bunny and Tiggy & Taggy back and that’s it. And I KNOW they are in his rucksack because it’s the only logical explanation. Yes, Sienna will have put them in there, but he should have checked. He should have checked.

After several hours on the road, my iPhone tells me to turn right through a gateway in the middle of the plains. It looks like I’m in the right place, there’s the obligatory razor wire and loads of signs saying ‘KEEP OUT’, ‘MOD PROPERTY’ ‘DANGER’. I try to call Simon as I drive up the dusty track but the phone is switched off. I curse him as I hit pothole after pothole. Why the hell would you take Bunny and the hedgehogs? Why?! Are you chronically stupid, Simon?  No, I have married someone terminally stupid!!!!!

MEANWHILE, AT THE TOP OF SALISBURY PLAIN

Simon is preparing to host a Field Firing Exercise with live ammunition.

General Jeremy Smith is in a supervisory capacity, waiting for any slip-ups because after all the contretemps on the Patch he wants to see Simon fail.

Simon has been planning the exercise for months.  He takes out a map and explains to the adjudicators what is going to happen and what they intend to achieve.

CUT TO:

My ancient Volvo is coming to the brow of the hill. The children stare out of the window uncertain of their new surroundings.

Sienna: “But I thought we were going to Granny’s?”

Me: “We are. Later.”

I can see people waving at me, I wave back. They wave more enthusiastically. So do I, driving past them. One man even walks in front of the car causing me to swerve – I think he is also terminally stupid.

I can see Simon across the Plain in front of me and I can see his black rucksack in the front seat of an army Land Rover. I abandon the car and am drawn towards the rucksack like a woman-possessed in a strange twilight world. I duck under the barbwire, crawl through the scrub and run towards the Army Land Rover.

Simon, oblivious to the breach of security, shouts “FIRE” and suddenly – URGH! I am rugby tackled from both sides and now I am having a heart attack. URGH! So this is what it feels like. I’ve often wondered and now I KNOW. Urgh. The. Pain.

Whistles are blown. Alarms sound.

“Check Fire!!!!!” shouts Simon.

“Heart attack,” I say flailing about.

“You’re winded,” says a man in pan-stick and camouflage (my neighbour and Mandy’s husband).

Me: “Buck?”

Buck: “What the bloody hell are you doing here?”

I can’t speak.

Buck: “Just breathe. Breathe.”

Me: “Heart attack.”

Buck: “Winded.”

Simon peers down at me his eyes obsidian, his face beetroot from shouting. The General gets a good butchers, too.
“Bunny. Rucksack,” I say wheezing. I sit up and point shaking at the Army Land Rover.

Simon retrieves the rucksack and opens it as he walks back. He pulls out Bunny, Tiggy, and Taggy.  I am still struggling to breathe but tears of joy run down my face at seeing them; and then the overwhelming realisation I have interrupted Simon’s big day – which happens to be a live firing exercise hits home.  I look to the car, frantic. They’ll take my kids away. They’ll take them.  “The children.”

Buck: “Corporal Bone and Private Smethick are entertaining them.”

Buck puts his hand on Simon’s shoulder. “Once Mrs. Wilde is safely back in the car, and in a different county we will re-start the exercise, Sir.”

“Yes,” says Simon flabbergasted. He pulls himself together.  “We often coordinated a breach of security at the start of the exercise to ensure we can deal with any nuisance ramblers. The naked one is a persistent offender.”

“Really?” says the General.  “Naked rambling. Hmmm. (pause) Of course, I will be reporting the incident.”

Si: “Of course, Sir. There is a website.”

“Right.”

I am given a once over by Doctor Nick – who shakes his head and asks how many units a week I really drink – before I am escorted off the MoD site by armed guard who follow me all the way to Granny & Grandpa Roger’s house.

***

Granny puts her arm around me.

Me: “I’ve f***ed up his career. His life. And all for some cuddly toys.”

Roger: “Come on Frog Face, it’s not all bad. I mean getting onto the Plain AND under the wire – that’s pretty good going. When I was in the RAF I only managed to shin a radio mast and put a ‘We Sell Green Shield Stamps’ sign over the NAAFI”.

“Thanks Dad.” I say beginning to feel a tiny bit better. Maybe it’s in the genes?